Whitebread on Patrol » 2009 » January

Archive for January, 2009

There Can Be Only One

Saturday, January 31st, 2009

What the Roomba is thinking at 0:30… OK, now that I got the bulk of them, how to get rid of the stragglers? Ah! Cabinet!

Cars Ticketed by Model

Friday, January 30th, 2009

MSN reports on a study that ranked popular car models by number of tickets given.


Found via Lifehacker.

Adventures in Church Secretarydom

Thursday, January 29th, 2009

(Whitebread is doing church secretary stuff when he is summoned to the front window of the office by a coworker. Two trucks have pulled into the overflow parking of the church, and young men are scurrying back and forth out of sight in the woods. Curious but not really expecting misbehavior, Whitebread saunters out to see what they’re up to. When the young men see Whitebread exit the church, they all pile into one of the trucks, so that there are four of them in the bed of the vehicle, with two to four of them in the extended cab. Whitebread waves and hails them.)

Whitebread: Hey, fellas! Y’all staying warm today?

Young man in bed: We’re tryin’, man!

Whitebread: So whatchy’all doin’ out here in the cold?

Driver: We’re getting some snow in some buckets, and we’re gonna go fuck someone up.

(Whitebread is taken aback by the change in tone, and is momentarily caught speechless. The moment passes.)

Whitebread: Well uh, you guys don’t need to be doing that from here. This is private property and you’ll need to be moving on.

Driver: Well, that’s not very church-like.

Whitebread (doing his best Clint Smith thumbs-up): Well, I’m not a real church-like kinda guy.

Driver: So?

Whitebread: So, y’all get lost, or I call the police.

(At this point, Whitebread realizes that he’s in a rather exposed place. He backpedals casually, knowing that after about three strides he will have put a tree between himself and the grill of the occupied truck.)

Driver: Sure, we’ll leave… right after we kick your ass!

Two thoughts enter Whitebread’s mind: “Get some.” and “Disparity of force.” He has the presence of mind not to vocalize either of those thoughts, but unzips his jacket, to make access to his pistol easier if anyone decides to get uppity.

While Whitebread is thinking these thoughts, the truck is put in gear, turns, and exits the parking lot. Whitebread counts one middle finger from the driver’s window, and three from the bed of the truck. He wants to shout, “Hey, guys, you missed a step in your plan!” but knows better.

As he watches them leave, the realization sets in… they left their other truck! Whitebread gets on the horn with the local Po-Po, who arrive after about eight minutes (when seconds count…). Officer Friendly is briefed on the situation and threatening statements that were made, and offers to hang out for a while and have an earnest conversation with them when they come back for their vehicle.

Whitebread makes it a point to look out the front window every five minutes or so. After nearly an hour, he finds that both the cop car and the truck are gone.

It’s unlikely that he happened to leave and then they happened to come back. Either they came back and he confronted them, or they had to wait in hiding for him to leave, and then come back for their truck and scamper off. Either outcome is awesome. Idiots get inconvenienced, and Whitebread doesn’t have to shoot any of them. Life is good.)


Monday, January 26th, 2009

And it’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy toward people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.

-Barack Obama


I would correct the Rule 3 violation, but if there’s anyone professional enough to keep his finger on the trigger (or to administer first aid, for that matter), it is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Found by Alan Unix-Jedi and posted in the channel. (Whoops. Sorry about that, UJ.)

Suggestive Sell Items

Sunday, January 25th, 2009

I noticed this sign last week at my local Walgreen’s. I just had to get a picture.


The gentleman at the counter (who I am aware is native to the US and this part of the country) was confused when I asked to move the “Buck Choc” to take a picture of the sign. When I told him I thought it was humorous and wanted to take a picture to show my friends, he realized the error, or rather, what he thought was the error:

“Oh, riiiiight. It should be ‘If we fail to recommend our suggestive sell item…’”

For the ninja in your home.

Sunday, January 25th, 2009

From Gizmodo:


You may begin your panic… now.

Sunday, January 25th, 2009

From pdb:

This is the most alarming thing I have seen all year. That massive spike on the right? That’s not a data error, that is happening RIGHT NOW. The money supply has almost DOUBLED in under a fiscal year.

Holy crap!

Holy crap!

A massive inflationary wave can’t be far behind. Seems to me the smart thing would be to buy up supplies and durable goods before the price increases come a’knocking.

The Reset Button

Thursday, January 22nd, 2009

Yes, the old site is gone. No, my new site doesn’t have my real name on it. I’m looking into some career stuff, and the process could be damaged if a Google search led my potential employers to my blog. I’m not ashamed of anything I wrote at the old site, but just the fact that I was speaking publically on all kinds of issues and continue to do so could give my potentially skittish clients pause.

So here I am. In the next few days I’ll be emailing the few that I knew kept up with the old blog, but if you’re here and wondering who I am, I’m that guy who vanished about two weeks ago. Please refer to me as Whitebread.

The Name:

Whitebread can also refer to alleged blandness or plainness in a person. Its usage is similar to that of the term plain vanilla. In the DC comic book, Justice League International, the sarcastic Green Lantern Guy Gardner would often refer to his innocent, pure-hearted teammate Captain Marvel as ‘Captain Whitebread’.

I have no particular affection for comic books, but pdb recommended the name and it was better than anything I’d thought up.

Quote of the Day: Robb Allen on Libertarians

Thursday, January 22nd, 2009

From Robb Allen:

Something else that has puzzled me are the rabid, Bush hating Libertarians who have derided every last assault on freedom all of a sudden turn into starry eyed Obama fans. It’s like they were never really Libertarian, but statists who simply didn’t like the way the state’s monopoly on force was being used.

I’ve always contended if you’d like to wipe out the Libertarian party, legalize pot. You’d never hear from 90% of them ever again.

It could be worse.

Thursday, January 22nd, 2009

Washington Post: Staff Find White House in Technological Dark Ages

Obama’s team is complaining, among other things, that they can’t access Facebook to “keep in touch with supporters”.

My understanding is that the campaign ended in November. Shouldn’t the White House be doing its job instead of taking quizes and exchanging SuperPokes?

They’re also whining that there aren’t many laptops, some software is out of date, and nobody told them how to add subtitles to videos on the website.

That’s all unfortunate and something that should be looked at, but one should keep in mind that George W. Bush’s staff arrived to find that Clinton staff had popped W keys off of keyboards, filled cabinets with glue, and planted pornography inside reams of paper to appear later in multi-page reports.

So stop whining and do your jobs.